Because I Don't Believe in Silent Suffering...

For some time I have wondered if maybe my reproductive parts weren't working the way they were supposed to. 

Probably for a good ten years at least... 

But no one talks about these things you know. 

So you think what's going on must be mostly... normal?

But then you try to have a baby.

And things aren't working.
(Unfortunately doctors don't care much about reproductive organs unless you are trying to have a baby.)

I finally saw a fertility specialist.
In less than an hour he validated the many years of questions and wondering.
Things are wrong, and no it's not normal.
He told me he was glad I was there, because I need to be there.
It is extremely hard to be told there isn't just one thing working against you, but a list:

PCOS
Small ovaries/lack of reserve/poor egg quality
Endometriosis of the ovaries
Adenomoyosis
Pelvic periotinal adhesions

It can be very lonely in this new world. Because no one talks about these things. And it's unfortunate because I am sure that so many women feel alone.
So, I'd like to help start the conversation.

Hi, my name is Rebecca and my uterus carries scar tissue caused by adenomoyosis. I also have one bum ovary, and one small ovary which means I have few eggs available and the eggs I do have are poor in quality. Unfortunately there is no cure and no treatment. I have PCOS, endometriosis of my ovaries, and pelvic periotinal adhesions. My friends are getting pregnant and having babies and I don't know if I will ever birth a child. It hurts my heart sometimes, and that's okay to admit. I believe information is powerful in making educated decisions and that miracles happen every day.

I am thankful our eyes were opened to the many children who don't have parents that are able to care for them before our eyes were opened to my own personal reproductive problems. While it was difficult to hear that my body is working against us, we had already considered that adoption might be part of our story long before we got married. I would however, be lying if I told you we weren't praying for a miracle, that by God's grace we would be blessed with a biological child.

We did take some time to process our involvement with foster care while going to these appointments over the last month. Time for us to really take it all in.

Now, we press forward.

We are actively pursuing adoption.

There are occasional tears, so please try to understand. This is a process and this process is hard.
Even being open to all that we are, it's not always easy.

Please don't tell me "at least it's not -----."
I realize people have endured worse. It doesn't make my grief any less.
Please don't tell us "stop trying that's how ------- got pregnant" or "just relax"
How does this even make sense?
And please don't tell us "you are so young" Or "you haven't been married that long."

People start families when they are "young" all the time. My eggs are aging much faster than the rest of me unfortunately. We do not have time on our side in this regard. We also may sit on waiting lists or be saving money for years to be able to adopt. The average cost of adopting (outside of foster care) is close to $35,000. That's for one child! The process of foster to adopt is long, and hard. Many children are reunited with (sometimes very) extended family after years of living in a foster placement rather than being adopted by their foster family. This is because the goal of foster care is to keep families together, not for children to be available for adoption.

I am convinced that people who experience infertility stay quiet because of comments just like these.

BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IN SILENT SUFFERING.
THE DARK CAN ONLY EXIST IF THERE IS NO LIGHT.
I WANT TO EDUCATE PEOPLE, I WANT WOMEN TO FEEL LIKE IT ISN'T JUST THEM GOING THROUGH THIS.
I WANT US TO HELP EACH OTHER!
WELCOME TO THE LIGHT FOLKS!

When sometimes tells you about their journey with infertility they are trusting you with their story! This is huge!
If you don't understand or know how to respond to someone, please feel free to ask me what an appropriate response might look like. I am open and honest and I want other women to feel safe sharing their struggle, and until we start talking about these things that's not going to happen.
If you know nothing else to say, and you mean it, a simple "I'm here for you" is perfect.
I am blessed that many of my friends and family knew what to do and what to say. They cried with me while I told them. They hugged and encouraged and didn't try to fix or justify anything. They were just there. Which is exactly what I needed.

With all that being said....

We are open to love whatever children God has for us.
I know that my family will grow and look exactly how it's meant to be and that God will be glorified in our story.

While some children grow in their moms belly, other children grow in their moms hearts.
Either way it is a miracle.

He is the King of the impossible.
He is the Father of the fatherless.
He writes our story.

We are just turning the pages.

Learning Loving and Remembering

Foster Care is learning to expect the unexpected.

Last weekend we had been anticipating the arrival of a 2 year old girl who was non-verbal.
When I got in the car to go get her, I called to let them know I was on my way and they let me know she was just placed in treatment foster care.

Treatment foster care is for children who require care above and beyond what a normal home would be able to provide.
These parents have gone above and beyond to deal with things like medical and physical disabilities.
They have attended hours of additional classes to learn how to care for children with these needs.

While we were so greatly looking forward to having her, God had other plans for her.
He had another home for her.
I am so thankful for the other families that feel called to do this hard work.

Foster care is remembering that we are not in control.

On Monday I recieved a call asking about a 'very difficult' three year old boy.
With some hesitation we agreed to take him on a day-by-day basis.

He wasnt difficult.
He said please and thank you. He took turns, he played in the bath.
He was three.
We thought we may have him for a while.
Instead we had him for less than 24 hours.

In 12 hours we loved this child more than we ever could have imagined.
He came into our home, and our hearts.

Foster care is loving no matter how long.

Foster care isn't easy but it is worth it.

Spaghetti Tacos

We anticipated a call for a young child.

Instead we received a call for a 15 year old girl who needed temporary placement. 

The horrors she has endured in her short life can not even be imagined. 

The morning after her first night in our home she told me she slept through the night for the first time ever. 

EVER. 

She was grateful, she was kind, she was helpful 

and she desperately wanted to be loved. 

She tried broccoli for me, I made spaghetti tacos for her. 

Spaghetti tacos are completely horrifying and not as bad as you imagine all at the same time. 

She felt the same about the broccoli.

Sometimes God doesn't give us what we anticipate. 

I am so glad we changed our minds about taking a teen. 

We said no that same morning. 

We said that we wanted to learn to walk before we learned to run. 

By 4:30pm the same day, I was picking her up. 

Now she has moved on, but

she knows we believe in her. 

She knows God loves her. 

as for us...

God was faithful, 

and 

we learned to run.